Mestiso Manifesto #1

If you follow my Instagram, you’ll know that I was made redundant from my position as a graphic designer early last week. It happened so quickly that I didn’t have time to process it. I was called into a meeting, and the next minute I didn’t have a job. I’ve been experiencing bouts of denial, highs, lows, anxiety attacks, and impulsive behaviours, not to mention an ongoing battle with a sinus infection.

I think a lot of people who haven’t gone through a redundancy miss how it impacts your sense of self. I was essentially told to my face by a panel of people that I’m not of value to them; that my worth, skills, abilities, and potential don’t hold enough weight for the business and its future. I felt discarded, rejected, disrespected, and worthless because I couldn’t prove my worth. I was simply a tool that had outlived its usefulness.

I have a very complicated relationship with my design career and even my design education. Design was never something I was passionate about; it was more of an appreciation. Design pays my bills, gives me security, appeals to my sense of purpose, function, and order, and can be used to solve real-world problems. It’s a very practical discipline.

Art is where I can express myself. I don’t need to think about rules, I don’t need to conform, and I don’t feel influenced by the agendas of others. It can be very self-indulgent. For me, my art is an extension of my being. It holds my vulnerabilities, ambitions, and spirit.

I’m not going to say I’ll never go back to being a designer, but I don’t feel that leaping back into it is what I really need at the moment. I need a level of healing and introspection that only my art can facilitate. When and if I’m ready to return to being a designer, I know there are people I can reach out to.

Through all of this shifting and changing, I recognise that a window of opportunity exists to truly embrace being a full-time artist. It isn’t as romantic as it sounds, though. I’m still trying to find my feet and work out exactly what my daily practice, schedule, and process look like. I’m not used to having an abundance of time to grow and develop artistically, as my art up until now has been produced in short, explosive blocks around a day job.

At first, I was running myself ragged by hustling, rushing, and dragging myself through the mud every day. It’s taken me the past week to realise that this approach isn’t sustainable for my creativity, self-care, or career as an artist. I need to work out what my balance is, but also truly understand what it means for me to be a full-time artist.

I think it’s the income side of being an artist that concerns me the most. Financially, I’m set for a few months, but if I’m not able to bring in cash flow, my art career won’t be sustainable. We’ll see what happens, though. I’m not going to set limitations on my capability to achieve something.

It would serve me best to really enjoy the free time and new start I have. I do have something to work towards, though, as I have a solo exhibition coming up in January at RED Gallery. I’ll share the details closer to the opening.