Mestiso Manifesto #12

If you’ve been following my Instagram stories and posts recently, you’ll know I’ve been struggling with the work I’ve been making. I have this strong urge that something new needs to emerge, but anything I create doesn’t feel right and I end up feeling unsatisfied or disinterested with anything that comes out. Something is missing from the work, but I’m unable to pinpoint what that is, or how to solve it.

I’ve only been back from my three-month studio hiatus for a few weeks now (due to creative exhaustion and burnout) and I don’t feel like I’m a fully functioning painter yet. I don’t even feel like a fully functioning human if I’m honest. The only reason why I’ve come out of my solace is because of a group show I have with Jacky Winter Gallery in July.

As much as I don’t want to admit this, being accepted into a group show with Jacky Winter is a big deal to me. It marks a point in my art career that breaks me out of the pay to play or free non-traditional spaces I’ve been exhibiting in since I returned to my practice five years ago. Now there’s nothing wrong with those spaces, but to get where I want to be an artist, I need to be showing more in spaces like Jacky Winter.

I feel an immense pressure to perform and produce some great work and not squander this opportunity, but I’m concerned I’m not up to it. This is a milestone moment for me and the only milestone moment I’ve truly acknowledged at this point of my journey (yes even being in British Vogue is a milestone I haven’t acknowledged and still feel indifferent about). I don’t know if this lack of acknowledgement and indifference is due to self-preservation or because I feel like I’m not good enough yet to deserve anything. Probably both.

For this group show, I want to present my best self and the best work I’m capable of, but when I’m currently not my best self and not making my best work I don’t know how I’m going to deliver or set my standard. I have about a week left before I need to submit my artwork details and deliver the work, which puts on another layer of pressure.

If it comes to it, I’ll just have to recycle an existing piece I’ve got left over from my solo exhibition. Though I don’t really want to do that, because I think it reflects of a previous version of myself that I’m currently trying to shed.

A lot can happen in a week, so I’m not ready to give up just yet. I’ll be working in my studio over the weekend seeing what develops. I just have to drag my ragged self through it to the end.